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Where do I start? I had a very, very ouchie day. (Warning: this post contains icky female stuff.)

A few weeks ago I had a routine pap test. Last week, the nurse from my gynecologist’s office called to tell me that I had a somewhat abnormal result. I’ve been through the scare of “squamous cells of unknown significance” before, but this was different. She said there were endometrial cells in my result, which shouldn’t be there based on where I was in my cycle.

OK, one problem with that. My cycle has been insane for the past year. In fact, I recently went back on birth control pills in an effort to help settle things down. At 40, I’m too young for menopause (believe me, I’ve asked repeatedly). My average cycle post-baby was a bit on the short side, about 25 days, but in the past six months I had endured the following: 24, 19, 21, 13, 27, 31. Yeah, that’s right: I had one menstrual cycle that lasted 13 days. If you do the math on that one you figure out that if I actually had my period for 5-6 days, that means I only got a break of about a week before it all started again. So yeah, you could say my cycle had issues.

Whatever. Doctor wanted to schedule me for an endometrial biopsy, so I scheduled it. Internet research told me this was to rule out possible problems ranging from a hormone imbalance (gee, ya think?) to endometriosis to – gulp! – the big C word. No, not c**t; cancer. Of the c**t. Heh. The way the procedure was described to me it didn’t sound that bad – would only take a few seconds, was probably going to be more comfortable than the colposcopies and cervical biopsies and endocervical curettage I’ve had in the past.

So today I had the endometrial biopsy. And hoo boy – “not bad” is not how I would describe it. Wikipedia’s article on this procedure notes, “Cramping may occur.” Kids, that’s what we refer to as an understatement. Cramping occurs, and occurs BIG TIME. From the time the cervix is “steadied” until about 12 hours after the procedure, MAJOR cramping occurs. There’s no way for me to accurately describe how painful this little test was. I never went into real labor when I was pregnant, since I had the Bean via C-section, but the doctor told me that many women compare it to labor. I sure have new respect for women who’ve given birth without drugs! Let’s just say it felt like someone was reaching in, grabbing my uterus with a rusty pair of pliers, and trying to drag it kicking and screaming out of my body. And that’s after I took ibuprofen in advance, and the doctor used some lidocaine. I bled a lot, enough to surprise my doctor. When I sat up afterwards, I almost passed out. WebMD says that’s a “vasovagal reaction.”

After getting dressed, I went out to my car and cried. Surprisingly I did not cry in the examination room. I screamed bloody murder and was terribly embarrassed afterwards, but somehow didn’t cry until I got to my car. Then instead of going back to the office I came home, made popcorn, drank a big glass of iced tea, and went to sleep.

So I’ll get the results back pretty soon, I hope. If they’re at all questionable, the next step may be an ultrasound, or a D&C. The D&C doesn’t really scare me since it’s done under general anesthesia, which sounds like a walk in the park compared to today.

I better go to bed early tonight. I’m exhausted physically and emotionally. The fact that the latest version of WordPress is doing annoying things like ignoring my image settings is just about driving me over the edge right now. I don’t think I’m in any shape to really use the Internet responsibly.