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I’ve been Twittering about a creepy dude that I work with (“Creepy Guy”) excessively lately. I mean, I can’t seem to stop talking about him, but for real: he is totally creepy, gross, and annoying. And I have to sit where I can see him all damn day. It’s not fair! So anyway, Branch suggested that I blog about him, because apparently my tweets just aren’t getting across the true depth and nature of his creepiness. Happy to oblige! Let’s get ranting.

Creepy Guy is a real loser in every sense but let’s start superficially, with how he looks and dresses. I happen to know that he’s 45, but he looks at least 10 years older. He’s fat, in the thick-in-the-middle, pear-shaped way that old, gross guys tend to get fat. He’s gained at least 20 pounds in the past year, and watching him gain weight is almost a sport where I work. He has a gigantic bald spot on top of his head, which I realize he probably can’t help – but he could help the ridiculous bowl haircut that he wears around it, making him look a bit like a demented friar. Seriously, he looks like he gets his hair cut by a blind person at Hair Cuttery. Plus, his hair is the texture of straw or hay – I suspect he has never used conditioner in his life and possibly his solution for shampoo is a bar of soap! And then, there’s the hair growing out of his ears – almost as long as the hairs on his head, nearly as thick, and 10 times as disgusting.

Creepy Guy also wears thick bi-focal glasses. I think they’re supposed to be like those “Transitions” lenses that get darker outside and then fade inside, but they don’t work right. Inside they have a permanent brown tint to them, which seriously just makes him look even more like Mark David Chapman, complete with 1000-yard serial killer stare.

Are you grossed out yet? Wait, it gets better.

His wardrobe is as impressive as you’d expect for such a fine physical specimen. He dresses in a combination of Land’s End, K-Mart, and cheap tourist shop chic. He has a series of plastic-looking ugly oxfords and loafers (what my boss calls “bus driver shoes”). For pants, he usually wears mom jeans or khakis. On top, it’s always a golf or polo shirt in the summer, but in the winter it starts to get really interesting (or disgusting, depending on your perspective).

He has a thing about sweater vests. As in, he wears them all the time – usually the same one, for four or five days in a row. I’m not even kidding. Last winter I kept a spreadsheet, and tracked how often he wore various “favorites.” The results were sobering. Though the spreadsheet is lost to me now, I remember quite clearly the 23-day stretch when he wore the same sweater vest 20 times. He’ll wear a sweater vest until he outgrows it (or it shrinks), and it barely covers his belly anymore.

Now you might think that picking on the sweater vest thing is uncharitable. Maybe it doesn’t smell, since he does wear it over some kind of button-down shirt? Or maybe his wife washes them out every damn night? No, I don’t think so. You see, to top off all the hotness I’ve already described, Creepy Guy has yet another fine quality: he has BO. Terrible BO. Like, make the wallpaper peel and your hair curl and your eyes water BO. HE STINKS, FOLKS! I don’t think anyone ever shared the basics of hygiene with him (as if the long ear hair wasn’t evidence enough); because apparently his idea of BO control is to slap on more and more cologne/aftershave/perfume/whatever. Because in the winter time, he smells like a combination of a homeless person’s armpit and the fragrance department at the late, great Woolworth’s five and dime. The smell is enough to make you believe in God, because I swear – if Hell has an odor, this is what it smells like.

Are you sick yet? Because I’ve only described him physically up to this point. I haven’t even gotten into his behavior: loud (and constant) eating, total disregard for the personal space of others, eavesdropping on conversations, complete ineptitude at his job, inappropriate staring in attempts to initiate conversation. The list goes on and on.

Where should I go next (besides another company)?