Dear Ricky and Katie,
Did your mom ever finally tell you about me? Do you wonder where I live, what I look like, what my personality is like? Do you even know I exist? I know that you exist, of course, but I don’t know much else about you. Just your names, your ages, and where you grew up.
When I first found out about you, I was 27 and you were 14 and 12. Your mom, my birth mother, sent me pictures of you and talked about you lovingly in her occasional letters to me. She admitted that neither of you knew that she and your father had a child when they were very young (me) and gave it up for adoption. She even told me that they had let your grandparents think I was stillborn, though she always suspected her mother knew the truth. She told me all these things after I found her, and of course I was very interested. How I longed to someday meet you, and her, and my father! You see, I had a wonderful adopted family, but I was always curious about my birth parents. When I finally found them, learning that I had a brother and sister I’d never known about was a wonderful bonus! I made lots of plans for when we’d finally meet.
But then your mom’s letters slowly dropped off, and stopped arriving at all. The many letters and cards I sent her went unanswered. When I tried to call her, whoever answered the phone would tell me she was busy, both at work and at home. For some reason, she decided she didn’t want to get to know me after all.
I guess the worst part of this was the lack of an explanation. To this day, I don’t know if I said something that offended her, or she had a conversation with your dad that changed her mind, or she suddenly got nervous about having to explain me to you or your grandparents.
A long time has passed since then. You’re in your late 20s and early 30s now, and I have a child of my own. Perhaps one or both of you do, too. I don’t know if you live in the same place anymore, or honestly if you’re even alive. I hope that you are. I hope we can still meet someday. I hope I can introduce you to my daughter, who looks so much like me, and so much like you.
Maybe I could find you quickly, by posting your full names here, and asking for help reaching you. Maybe one of you would find yourself mentioned here in a Google search of your own name. But I respect your privacy, so I won’t do that. I’ve thought about hiring a private investigator, or trying to find you on my own, and making contact, but I don’t want to be the “weird stalker lady.” For this same reason, I have never driven to your mom and dad’s house and rung the bell, even though they live just hours away. I’m just not assertive enough to do something like that. Maybe I’m a little bit too afraid of rejection.
So Ricky and Katie, I sit here, knowing that you most likely still don’t know about me, and feeling mostly helpless to do anything about it. I’ve never met you, but I love you both. Would it be wrong to track you down now, to introduce myself via letter or email, now that you’re both adults? Would you think I was just some crazy person?
What will it take to make me find out?
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