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So I thought I had it bad with some of the freaks and creeps I’ve had to work with in the past. I mean, I’ve put up with some crazy shit: a psycho woman who hated AND stalked me, co-workers who didn’t understand the concept of regular showering and restraint in personal fragrance, and of course the most recent Creepy Guy who not only had scent issues but also the loud eating, creepy staring, etc.

None of that compares to the co-worker described in today’s “Dear Prudence” column in Slate. Here’s a person whose co-worker masturbates in the cubicle next to her. HOLY HELL. And bonus points to this poor fool for having not only the creepiest cubicle-neighbor in history, but also the shittiest HR department I’ve ever imagined. (Crappy, stupid HR people are something I also have some extensive experience with, but nothing as clueless and stupid as this person is dealing with.)

The HR “manager” (calling her a manager is really stretching it, based on her actions) in this case wants proof that the creep is beating off in his cube. She says she “only has [the author's] word on this.” Like, who would ever make up a story like that?

You know, the company this poor lady works for should get sued. They would deserve it. And the jerking-off co-worker should be arrested for public indecency, if not sexual assault (whatever the crime they arrest flashers for, at the very least). I hope the lady who wrote the letter does sue, and gets a big enough settlement that she never has to work in cubicle-land again.

Happy Friday! It’s been quite a week.

- First of all, FIRST FULL WEEK OF NO CREEPY GUY! Yes, that’s right, Creepy Guy got laid off and no longer infects my cubicle area with his cookie-munching, skank-smelling, creepy-staring weirdness. Last Friday was his final day, and can I just say? Not a day has gone by this week that I and my other cubicle neighbors have not remarked on just how NICE it is not to have him there anymore. Yay!

- It snowed, and then there was freezing rain, and then it melted a little, and then there was re-freezing…most interesting weather we’ve had here in over a year. Bean loved the snow, that’s for sure! Me…not so much.

- I had an interview with a company that might hire me within the next few months. The interview was very interesting – the technology they’re working with is pretty fascinating. Unfortunately, said company also has a weird, “no jeans” office policy – almost unheard-of in IT. I’ve also heard rumors about problems with open toe shoes, which makes me wonder if they also expect women to wear pantyhose. That creeps me out to no end, so if an offer does come, it’s one factor to weigh with the others.

- Had my second laser treatment last night, and today my face is sore, dry, tight, swollen, and blotchy. How attractive! Good thing I’m working at home!

- Finally, bought some new gadgets this week and upgraded others. I upgraded the software and Bluetooth firmware on my Garmin nuvi 360 because it kept locking up on me randomly (NOT cool when you’re driving somewhere new and counting on your GPS to get you there). I bought a new external hard drive for my Macbook Pro’s Time Machine backups. I ran out of space on the 120-gig Apricon, so I upgraded to a 400-gig WD. And it’s red, which is totally cute. I tried to justify buying a Time Capsule, but just couldn’t do it yet. Maybe when our current router dies. Finally, I got my new watch, which is really nice, but the band is too long so I have to get that adjusted this weekend.

I’m hoping to spend most of this weekend just chilling. In fact, now is a good time for a little nap…

I want to write an energetic and entertaining blog post right now, but I just can’t muster the enthusiasm. So instead I’ll whine a little bit.

Barack Obama will be in Leesburg today. Would I love to go and see him speak? Yes!! But I’m not, because my husband is going, and I have to pick up The Bean from daycare and take care of her this evening. I wish, wish, wish we had a babysitter. I would seriously pay good money to have someone available that we could call up with a day or two’s notice. This is when it really sucks to live so far from the grandparents, too.

Bean’s new thing is that she gives me frequent hugs and tells me she loves me. It sounds like, “Ah lahv ooh Mommy” and it’s totally adorable. Toddlers so frequently want to be independent, and they start squirming when you want to cuddle, so every hug and kiss is extra-special. There are times when I just about lose it with her – like last night, when she woke up at 12:30 AM and started screaming and whining for no apparent reason, then would not go to sleep for at least an hour. The “I love you” thing really does make up for situations like that. Really!

I was going to blog about Creepy Guy today, but why bother? With him it’s the same stupid shit, day after day. I could tell you that he ate three packages of cookies and two Ho-Hos and a Twinkie, all in an afternoon, but he eats like that EVERY day. I could tell you that he asked me stupid questions and told me irrelevant information that I don’t care about and managed to screw up the one simple task that’s assigned to him right now, but that describes every week with him. He never gets any better, or any more bearable, or any less awkward and weird, or any less irritating to all those who are forced to interact with him. IT JUST NEVER CHANGES.

God, I need to quit this job, and fast.

The other day a friend asked me who was worse, Creepy Guy or the Hateful Harpy? That got me to thinking…

I guess I’m pretty lucky that in my entire career history, I’ve really only been forced to work with or near two really useless, annoying people. Almost everyone else I’ve ever worked with had some redeeming quality, or managed to be somehow useful to someone. Creepy Guy and Hateful Harpy are really exceptions to the rule, the kind of co-workers that you usually only hear about in laughing anecdotes: “Remember when that creepy guy worked here? Oh man was he something else!” Guess I’m just extra lucky.

Creepy and Hateful actually have a lot of things in common. Here’s a quick list:

- Both fat and completely in denial about their weight and their health problems as a result of it.

- Both ugly, though in completely different ways.
- Both useless when it comes to work (interestingly, their supposed “fields” were eerily similar; their lack of knowledge and expertise are discouragingly similar).
- Both fugly dressers.
- Both loud, disgusting eaters/drinkers: loud chewing, open mouthed eating, slurping of liquids, etc.
- Both completely in denial about their own professional failings and regularly shocked to receive negative performance reviews.
- Both go off on vacation, leaving co-workers to clean up their messes/finish (or just do) their work for them.
- Both exhibit strong characteristics of Asperger syndrome — in particular,  lack of social skills; restricted/repetitive interests and behavior (almost like OCD); and difficulty with communication.
- Both exhibit high self-interest and a sense of entitlement inappropriate to their respective work performance (for example, expecting to be sent to expensive training even though previous training has never been put to any productive use and performance reviews are lackluster).

There are differences though. I’d say that while Creepy Guy is annoying and gross, Hateful Harpy was pure evil. Although I firmly believe Hateful Harpy was mentally ill, there was definitely a maliciousness and intent to every awful thing that she did, whereas Creepy Guy does things more out of cluelessness and ineptitude.

To sum up: Harpy was a demonic bitch, but Creepy is just stupid. Who would you rather work with?

It started out a such a good day. Columbus Day! So what if I had to work? There was hardly any traffic, and I knew things would be quiet in the office. When I got there, Creepy Guy was not in evidence. Hurray! He’s always there early, so I figured he was taking the day off. Now THAT’S a holiday!!

Sadly, the joy lasted only about an hour and 15 minutes. Creepy Guy showed up late. Started eating cookies very LOUDLY, and slurping on a Coke. And – bonus – he apparently has a cold because he’s sniffling…constantly.

KILL. ME. NOW. Agh…..