None of that compares to the co-worker described in today’s “Dear Prudence” column in Slate. Here’s a person whose co-worker masturbates in the cubicle next to her. HOLY HELL. And bonus points to this poor fool for having not only the creepiest cubicle-neighbor in history, but also the shittiest HR department I’ve ever imagined. (Crappy, stupid HR people are something I also have some extensive experience with, but nothing as clueless and stupid as this person is dealing with.)

The HR “manager” (calling her a manager is really stretching it, based on her actions) in this case wants proof that the creep is beating off in his cube. She says she “only has [the author's] word on this.” Like, who would ever make up a story like that?

You know, the company this poor lady works for should get sued. They would deserve it. And the jerking-off co-worker should be arrested for public indecency, if not sexual assault (whatever the crime they arrest flashers for, at the very least). I hope the lady who wrote the letter does sue, and gets a big enough settlement that she never has to work in cubicle-land again.

- First of all, FIRST FULL WEEK OF NO CREEPY GUY! Yes, that’s right, Creepy Guy got laid off and no longer infects my cubicle area with his cookie-munching, skank-smelling, creepy-staring weirdness. Last Friday was his final day, and can I just say? Not a day has gone by this week that I and my other cubicle neighbors have not remarked on just how NICE it is not to have him there anymore. Yay!

- It snowed, and then there was freezing rain, and then it melted a little, and then there was re-freezing…most interesting weather we’ve had here in over a year. Bean loved the snow, that’s for sure! Me…not so much.

- I had an interview with a company that might hire me within the next few months. The interview was very interesting – the technology they’re working with is pretty fascinating. Unfortunately, said company also has a weird, “no jeans” office policy – almost unheard-of in IT. I’ve also heard rumors about problems with open toe shoes, which makes me wonder if they also expect women to wear pantyhose. That creeps me out to no end, so if an offer does come, it’s one factor to weigh with the others.

- Had my second laser treatment last night, and today my face is sore, dry, tight, swollen, and blotchy. How attractive! Good thing I’m working at home!

- Finally, bought some new gadgets this week and upgraded others. I upgraded the software and Bluetooth firmware on my Garmin nuvi 360 because it kept locking up on me randomly (NOT cool when you’re driving somewhere new and counting on your GPS to get you there). I bought a new external hard drive for my Macbook Pro’s Time Machine backups. I ran out of space on the 120-gig Apricon, so I upgraded to a 400-gig WD. And it’s red, which is totally cute. I tried to justify buying a Time Capsule, but just couldn’t do it yet. Maybe when our current router dies. Finally, I got my new watch, which is really nice, but the band is too long so I have to get that adjusted this weekend.

I’m hoping to spend most of this weekend just chilling. In fact, now is a good time for a little nap…

Barack Obama will be in Leesburg today. Would I love to go and see him speak? Yes!! But I’m not, because my husband is going, and I have to pick up The Bean from daycare and take care of her this evening. I wish, wish, wish we had a babysitter. I would seriously pay good money to have someone available that we could call up with a day or two’s notice. This is when it really sucks to live so far from the grandparents, too.

Bean’s new thing is that she gives me frequent hugs and tells me she loves me. It sounds like, “Ah lahv ooh Mommy” and it’s totally adorable. Toddlers so frequently want to be independent, and they start squirming when you want to cuddle, so every hug and kiss is extra-special. There are times when I just about lose it with her – like last night, when she woke up at 12:30 AM and started screaming and whining for no apparent reason, then would not go to sleep for at least an hour. The “I love you” thing really does make up for situations like that. Really!

I was going to blog about Creepy Guy today, but why bother? With him it’s the same stupid shit, day after day. I could tell you that he ate three packages of cookies and two Ho-Hos and a Twinkie, all in an afternoon, but he eats like that EVERY day. I could tell you that he asked me stupid questions and told me irrelevant information that I don’t care about and managed to screw up the one simple task that’s assigned to him right now, but that describes every week with him. He never gets any better, or any more bearable, or any less awkward and weird, or any less irritating to all those who are forced to interact with him. IT JUST NEVER CHANGES.

God, I need to quit this job, and fast.

I guess I’m pretty lucky that in my entire career history, I’ve really only been forced to work with or near two really useless, annoying people. Almost everyone else I’ve ever worked with had some redeeming quality, or managed to be somehow useful to someone. Creepy Guy and Hateful Harpy are really exceptions to the rule, the kind of co-workers that you usually only hear about in laughing anecdotes: “Remember when that creepy guy worked here? Oh man was he something else!” Guess I’m just extra lucky.

Creepy and Hateful actually have a lot of things in common. Here’s a quick list:

- Both fat and completely in denial about their weight and their health problems as a result of it.

- Both ugly, though in completely different ways.
- Both useless when it comes to work (interestingly, their supposed “fields” were eerily similar; their lack of knowledge and expertise are discouragingly similar).
- Both fugly dressers.
- Both loud, disgusting eaters/drinkers: loud chewing, open mouthed eating, slurping of liquids, etc.
- Both completely in denial about their own professional failings and regularly shocked to receive negative performance reviews.
- Both go off on vacation, leaving co-workers to clean up their messes/finish (or just do) their work for them.
- Both exhibit strong characteristics of Asperger syndrome — in particular,  lack of social skills; restricted/repetitive interests and behavior (almost like OCD); and difficulty with communication.
- Both exhibit high self-interest and a sense of entitlement inappropriate to their respective work performance (for example, expecting to be sent to expensive training even though previous training has never been put to any productive use and performance reviews are lackluster).

There are differences though. I’d say that while Creepy Guy is annoying and gross, Hateful Harpy was pure evil. Although I firmly believe Hateful Harpy was mentally ill, there was definitely a maliciousness and intent to every awful thing that she did, whereas Creepy Guy does things more out of cluelessness and ineptitude.

To sum up: Harpy was a demonic bitch, but Creepy is just stupid. Who would you rather work with?

Sadly, the joy lasted only about an hour and 15 minutes. Creepy Guy showed up late. Started eating cookies very LOUDLY, and slurping on a Coke. And – bonus – he apparently has a cold because he’s sniffling…constantly.

KILL. ME. NOW. Agh…..

So my body betrayed me. This morning, I was actually sick, and I know for a fact that there’s nothing really wrong with me – no virus, etc. It was a psychosomatic condition, my body rebelling against the fact that I had to drag myself into work again. I had a killer stomach ache this morning, and an unpleasant trip to the bathroom confirmed that my body (and my subconcious, I guess) was seriously pissed off. So I dicked around the house this morning, went back to sleep for a while, got up and read email, and basically came in to work about two hours later than normal. The irony is, of course, I’m going to have to make the two hours up somehow, and really – I don’t think tacking them on to the end of the day makes them any more bearable than having them at the start of the day (except maybe if Creepy Guy leaves early, in which case the end of the day is MUCH better than the rest of it).

So yeah, I’m pissed off. Mostly at work and a little bit at myself for being weak. And for having ridiculously bad timing! If this newfound misery for my work situation had happened at any other time, I would have just quit, and gotten a new job quite handily. Unfortunately, I just had to go through a crisis of morale during a horrible recession, which means that I should really be doing everything in my power to keep my miserable job, not lose it. So I’m hanging in there, finding ways to cope and distract myself. I’m really hoping a new opportunity is available to me around January. I wish it could happen tomorrow or next week, but January is about the soonest I can hope for right now.

On the bright side, I heard through the grapevine that Creepy Guy is actually looking for another job. So maybe he’ll be gone soon*. That would go a long way towards making work more tolerable.

*Who am I kidding? Nobody will hire this idiot. It’s a miracle he ever got hired at all. Oh well.

Cookie Monster. My company offers free snacks in the kitchen, mostly packaged junk food. Creepy Guy sure loves him some Coke and cookies. In fact, he eats about five packages of cookies a day, and drinks probably just as many Cokes. No secret where that sexy figure is coming from! He really doesn’t have the manners to participate in a community food supply though. One time, there was a cake in the kitchen. A co-worker of mine saw Creepy Guy getting himself a slice – and he PUT HIS FINGER ON THE PART HE WASN’T TAKING while he did it. Then he licked the frosting off his finger and touched the damn cake again! Come on, this is stuff that gets covered in elementary school, right?

Chew, chew, chew! Creepy Guy is a loud eater, as in we all get to share in every bite and enthusiastic chew. Not just the cookies, but his lunch, chips, and whatever happens to be laying around. Not only does he bite and chew loudly though (loud enough that I can hear him clearly from a good 15 feet away, which is scary); he also grunts. Between mouthfuls, I guess. It results in this pattern, which is honestly just as good an appetite suppressant as fen-phen: bite, chew, chew, grunt, chew, chew, chew, grunt, chew-chew, chew, grunt, sigh, chew, swallow. Repeat ad nauseum. I guess if I end up losing more weight because of this, I should be grateful, right?

LOVE ME!! Creepy Guy is desperate for attention. He goes in my boss’s office at least 12 times a day to ask the stupidest questions you can imagine, just for a little face time. I assume this is why he stops whatever he is doing and listens raptly to any conversation that goes on around him. If my neighbor and I talk about our weekends together, he stops and listens. If we talk about something related to the software we’re developing, he stops and listens. There are certain rules of etiquette you’re supposed to follow when you live in cubicle land. One of them is, if a conversation does not involve you, then it’s polite to not stick your nose in it – just go on with whatever you’re doing and if you must eavesdrop, then do so surreptitiously and don’t be obvious about it. Do NOT pull your chair around and stare with rapt and creepy attention at the two people having a conversation that doesn’t involve you!

I feel your eyes on me and: ew. I assume this need for attention is why Creepy Guy also makes a habit of staring at people. He stares at me almost all day long, any time he looks away from his computer (which is a lot, because he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing, but that’s another story). It’s not a predator-like leering stare though (thank GOD!); it’s a “looking for an opening” stare. You know how this goes: the creep in question stares at you, waiting for you to accidentally look his way. If you happen to make eye contact, he uses it as an opening to attempt to start a conversation with you. Really lonely people who are desperate to talk to another human being do this a lot. You know what? If you’re lonely, call a friend. I don’t want to talk to you, so go away.

Personal space – what’s that? This is one of the worst things about Creepy Guy. He has NO concept of personal space whatsoever. God forbid you ever have to work on something that entails showing him something on your computer. He’ll pull his chair up next to you and sit so close, if he was any closer he’d be on your lap! Not only has this happened to me, I’ve seen it done to others as well – both male and female. He sits inches away, puts his greasy fingers on your monitor, and just generally makes everyone uncomfortable. Again, this is not a perverted sort of issue, Creepy Guy just truly does not understand the concept of personal space. One time he was sitting way too close to me, then stood up to talk to someone else. He was so freaking close to me, he HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH HIS GIANT, GROSS BELLY. After that, I got up and left the office for a while to self-medicate. I guess I should have gone to HR – maybe I could have gotten him fired, or at least transferred. Chalk that one up to missed opportunity.

I am in hell, forced to sit within earshot (and staring range) of Creepy Guy every day. And with winter coming, there’s the smell to look forward to. KILL ME NOW.